Relationships

Abandonment Trauma: What Is It and How Do I Overcome It?

Learn about abandonment trauma, its stages, types, causes, signs, and effects, and learn how to overcome it through self-care, lifestyle adjustments, self-confrontation, and therapy.

By Alan Deibel, LCPC

Updated on May 14, 2024

Neglect and abuse cases are continuously increasing, raising concern about the reason for the trend. The National Institute of Health reports that one in four children in the U.S. experiences neglect or maltreatment in their lifetime.

If not attended to, abuse and neglect can make an individual feel abandoned, leaving them with lasting trauma. In addition, it can impede a person’s emotional development and make it hard to establish stable relationships.

This article discusses abandonment trauma and its signs and symptoms. It will also cover the causes and effects of abandonment trauma and how to manage it effectively.

Key takeaways:

  • Abandonment trauma is a response to neglect and abuse, affecting emotional development and relationships
  • Abandonment trauma stages: shattering, withdrawal, internalizing, rage, lifting, leading to growth and change
  • Types of abandonment issues: blanket, physical, emotional, empty nest syndrome, and attachment styles
  • Causes of abandonment trauma: unsatisfied emotional needs, stressful experiences, separation/divorce, death/illness, family instabilities
  • Dealing with abandonment trauma: acknowledge feelings, make lifestyle adjustments, practice self-care, seek therapy

What Is Abandonment Trauma?

Abandonment trauma is a behavioral or emotional response to severe harm or neglect in the form of abandonment. Abandonment trauma often varies from person to person. However, it usually includes fear of being left behind, hurt, emotionally neglected, or abandoned.

Joseph Melendez, a licensed clinical social worker at Grow Therapy says, “It can occur at any stage, and feeling emotionally or physically neglected can be deeply hurtful. While it may develop after one emotional or physical abandonment event, it can also happen due to unintentional and perceived abandonment.”

Abandonment trauma occurs as a behavioral or emotional response to severe harm or neglect in the form of abandonment.

- Joseph Melendez, LCSW

Additionally, the fear of abandonment may result from early childhood trauma or an anxious attachment style, or it may develop due to mental health conditions such as borderline personality disorder (BPD).

Stages of Abandonment Trauma

Development of abandonment trauma follows the following five stages:

You’ll repeatedly go through these stages from time to time. Fortunately, you emerge as a changed person, feeling better and able to start a healthy relationship.

Types of Abandonment Issues

People may suffer from various types of abandonment issues, including the following:

Abandonment issues may also manifest in various attachment styles. These include the following:

Causes of Abandonment Trauma

Abandonment trauma may develop after a single or continuous distressing event that causes an individual to feel unsafe, isolated, or neglected. Intense emotional distress can affect a person’s overall health and daily life. The following events may lead to the development of abandonment trauma:

Signs and Symptoms of Abandonment Trauma

While abandonment trauma can manifest in people differently, some specific patterns may indicate the condition. A victim of abandonment trauma may portray various signs and symptoms, including the following:

Additionally, separation anxiety is a common sign of abandonment trauma. While it’s common for children to experience separation anxiety, the feelings can sometimes become debilitating and transition into adulthood. Constantly being alone may lead to intense distress, and the fear of being left behind can epitomize significant anxiety.

People with abandonment trauma may also have problems establishing healthy relationships. For instance, neglecting children may create an insecure attachment style that makes it hard for them to develop healthy relationships with others, even in adult life. Abandonment issues may make a person avoid others or behave in a way that alienates those close to them.

Depression and anxiety are also common signs of abandonment. Traumatic stress — resulting from abandonment issues — often leads to intense experiences of depression and anxiety. For those with abandonment trauma, depression can sometimes be severe, leading to nightmares and anxiety. Additionally, the depression and anxiety from previous abandonment may be overwhelming, leading to long-term effects on a person’s life.

Finally, reduced performance and productivity may signify abandonment trauma. Victims of abandonment trauma usually have problems controlling their emotions and relating with others. These symptoms can affect their work or school performance, leading to poor productivity.

Effects of Abandonment Trauma

Abandonment trauma can have significant effects on your relationships and mental health. Additionally, the period at which this trauma occurs may influence the intensity of the impact.

Abandonment trauma may have long-term effects on people, and they may struggle with: 

In addition, while the effects of abandonment trauma depend on the cause, typically a victim may:

Additionally, people with a fear of abandonment may have trouble forgiving. They often see the slightest relationship issue as deliberate and a threat to the relationship. They also think that their partners don’t care about them. Thus, they don’t contemplate forgiving or think people usually make mistakes.

Dealing With Abandonment Trauma

Acknowledging and accepting your feelings is an essential step towards managing abandonment issues. In addition, being honest about your emotions, thoughts, and fears can help you learn to change them. Coping mechanisms can also help lessen the impact of these feelings on your daily life.

Lifestyle Adjustments

Simple, positive lifestyle adjustments can foster your mental health and give you the strength to heal from abandonment trauma.

A healthy diet, exercise, and enough sleep can boost your mood and your body’s capacity to deal with stress related to abandonment issues. Further, changing or ending unhealthy relationships can help alienate the problem.

Self-Care

People with abandonment trauma often struggle with low self-worth and may feel they don’t matter. Self-care enhances your mental and physical health and boosts your sense of self. For instance, mindfulness, positive self-talk, and affirmations can help you positively view yourself.

When you understand what you deserve, letting go of the fear of being neglected and abandoned is easy.

Self-Validation

Victims of abandonment trauma rely heavily on external validation to feel wanted and confident. However, this may significantly wreck your self-esteem. So, claim your authority to determine your self-worth; anchor yourself instead of relying on others.

Self-validation helps you understand who you are and your worth instead of defining yourself based on what others say.

Self-Confrontation

Healing from abandonment fears requires you to self-confront. Admit when you are wrong and take responsibility if your actions hurt others.  

Authenticity

Fear of abandonment may affect the development of your individuality as you try to fit the desires of those around you. As a result, you may stick to false identities, and your sense of self deteriorates. So, understand your self-worth, hold onto your sense of self, and bravely define your identity.

Therapy

Abandonment trauma can leave you with long-lasting side-effects. While you may be confident to deal with abandonment trauma alone, seeking help from a mental health professional is essential.

Through therapy, you will identify the causes of your trauma and how you can best deal with distress and anxiety. In addition, a therapist will help you develop effective strategies for setting expectations, establishing healthy boundaries, and communicating with others.

Also, your clinician will help you work through stressful events that might have led to feelings of abandonment.

Connect With a Therapist Today

As cases of abuse and neglect continue to rise worldwide, victims can develop feelings of abandonment, leaving them with long-term effects. However, understanding the signs and symptoms, causes, and consequences of abandonment trauma can help one manage it effectively.

In addition, knowing how to cope with this condition can help lessen the severe impacts on your daily life. While you may feel confident to tackle your feelings, seeking help from a professional therapist is essential. They can help you work through experiences that led to abandonment feelings and develop effective coping strategies.

Grow Therapy is home to professional therapists who can help you overcome your problems. Use our search tool to connect with suitable providers today.

FAQs

  • Abandonment involves the deliberate desertion of an individual by another responsible for caring for them. Comparatively, neglect arises from not knowing any better or from carelessness.

  • While fear of abandonment isn't a diagnosable mental health condition, it can be identified and treated. Additionally, fear of abandonment can be part of a diagnosable and treatable personality disorder.

  • Because victims may take your efforts to help them as criticism, approach the discussion with empathy and patience. Focus on how their condition affects their happiness, reassure them, and express love and concern.

About the author
Alan Deibel, LCPC

Alan Deibel is a licensed clinical professional counselor with over 12 years of experience who specializes in ADHD, addiction, anxiety, trauma, and PTSD.

This article is not meant to be a replacement for medical advice. We recommend speaking with a therapist for personalized information about your mental health. If you don’t currently have a therapist, we can connect you with one who can offer support and address any questions or concerns. If you or your child is experiencing a medical emergency, is considering harming themselves or others, or is otherwise in imminent danger, you should dial 9-1-1 and/or go to the nearest emergency room.

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