My name is Don Ross, and I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I work with individuals & couples and focus mainly on the here-and-now: the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that come up as we work together. Clients describe me as warm, human, and responsive. My #1 priority is to be fully present, accepting, and genuine—and to trust that each person I see has the wisdom and resources to find their own answers to whatever struggles have brought them to me. In my experience, people heal and grow if they are given the time, attention, and human connection they need to feel they are not alone in facing their troubles. I know this road personally—as client as well as therapist. For most of us, the process of healing means growth, learning, and better relationships with ourselves and the people in our lives--and it’s often an enjoyable journey. I welcome you as you share your journey from crisis to growth.

What can clients expect to take away from sessions with you?

In the first meeting, my goal is to mutually learn if we are a "fit:" that we are comfortable with each other and that your goals as a client match what I can provide as a therapist. For example, in couples therapy, one spouse often has the expectation that therapy will correct their mate's bad behavior. With the exceptions of substance abuse, domestic abuse, or an ongoing secret affair--all of which are considered deal-breakers by most experts--couples' problems are just that: problems created by *both* partners. E.g, the more she complains, the more he withdraws; the more he withdraws, the more she complains, etc. In a first session, I ask more questions and am more directive than in most subsequent meetings because I have the agenda of finding out if what you want matches what I can provide. This can require up to three sessions, in some cases. Once we are all clear about what *your* goals are, my role becomes to be sure what we discuss matches what is most important to you. So, *your* agenda becomes more important than mine.

Explain to clients what areas you feel are your biggest strengths.

Since my late teens, the focus of my life has been on learning psychology, as well as other approaches to growth, both to help myself and others. My own psychotherapy remains an ongoing part of my learning. Accordingly, I've learned to appreciate a wide range of emotions and behaviors as being human, rather than sick or bad. So, I bring a degree of acceptance to clients that few will experience with their friends and family. In my studies, I learned that there is a paradox about change: ACCEPTANCE must come before change is possible. Therapists are trained to convey acceptance, because it allows for the expression of problems we would otherwise hide or minimize. As a therapist, I am able to give this kind of acceptance. Of course, I have the advantage of being with each client for only one hour a week and not living with them! But this is exactly why we have therapists: our friends and family members expect things from us. As a therapist, all I expect is that you show up and tell the truth--and at least listen to my feedback, whether you act on it or not. So I would say acceptance is my #1 strength. Perhaps #2 is my willingness to reveal who I am, especially to share my present feelings in relation to my clients: to be excited when they share a story of success or joy or to feel sad when they share a disappointment or hurt. It’s been shown that this kind of authentic relationship is necessary for healing. Finally, I’d say my #3 strength is my insatiable curiosity about what promotes growth in myself and others. Accordingly, I am always willing and able to give resources to clients—tools, practices, and information—that they can use on their own between sessions.

Describe the client(s) you are best positioned to serve.

Most of us come to therapy in crisis: facing the threat of divorce or other serious loss. This means both danger and opportunity. Often, we believe there is something wrong with ourselves; then we either shut down emotionally--sometimes with drugs or alcohol-- or “act out” our distress by abusing people we love. I see most human problems as messages that show us behaviors that worked in the past--such as being hyper-critical of ourselves and others--no longer serve us. Rather than evidence of our flaws, our problems are clues that point to places in our lives where we need to learn new skills, attitudes, and ways of being. What is required is a willingness to tell the truth about what we think and feel, along with an openness to see ourselves and others differently--and to adjust our behavior accordingly. For example, if we have a mate who often criticizes us, we may react by getting defensive, being placating, or by pointing out *their* flaws--all ways that usually make things worse. In therapy, people learn to see complaint and criticism as forms of "attachment protest." This is a distress call that signals us that our mate is craving our love and support but can't seem to get it--just like when a baby screams when it needs care. An essential skill to have is SELF-COMPASSION: a willingness to see our pain as proof of our common humanity, to know that suffering is human, and that we want to--and can--be kind to ourselves and others in the midst of pain. The bad news is that not only do most people NOT have this skill, but that they believe that being self-compassionate would make them complacent and unmotivated. The good news is that self-compassion is a skill that can be learned fairly easily--and that there is abundant research that proves that people who practice this skill are not only happier, but also more accomplished in life. I recommend the website www.self-compassion for great information and free resources--especially the Self-Compassion Quiz and the Self-Compassion Break.

About Don Ross