Do you keep telling yourself, “I lied to my therapist about this or that; maybe I should just call it quits?” If that’s the case, take a deep breath and stop beating yourself up. Most people lie in therapy for one reason or another, and a good therapist will understand that.
Therapy is the one place where you can be unapologetically honest. But even so, you may feel ashamed of your thoughts, habits, or emotions. Or maybe you’re not comfortable sharing certain aspects of your life, such as a traumatic episode.
That’s perfectly normal, and your therapist doesn’t expect you to be an open book. The problem is that they might not be able to help if they don’t know the whole truth.
Why Do People Lie in Therapy?
Lying in therapy is more common than one might think. Some people do it because they worry about being judged. Others want to hide certain habits or addictions and tell only partial truths.
“Let’s face it, everyone lies at times, including our clients. Maybe they feel so ashamed or embarrassed about something that they just aren’t ready to disclose it,” says Victoria Kamhi, a licensed clinical professional counselor (LCPC) with Grow Therapy.
“Some of them may be terrified that they’ll be involuntarily hospitalized if they acknowledge having active suicidal ideations. Or they just may not feel comfortable being totally honest with us yet. The truth is that we will never know everything that is going on in our clients’ lives,” she adds.
In a 2015 study, 93% of respondents admitted lying to their therapists. More than half said they wanted to hide how bad they were feeling, and 39% minimized their symptoms. Other commonly cited reasons include:
- They felt afraid of sharing suicidal thoughts (31%)
- They wanted to hide their insecurities and doubts (29%)
- They wanted to make the therapist feel good (29%)
- They tried to hide their use of drugs or alcohol (29%)
- They didn’t feel comfortable sharing the things they regret doing (26%)
- They pretended they did the homework assigned by therapists (26%)
- They didn’t want to disclose their sexual history (22%)
- ·They didn’t feel comfortable talking about their eating habits (21%)
A large number of respondents also admitted lying about their goals and other aspects, such as how they felt about their family and friends. Some said they exaggerated the severity of their symptoms or that they lied to get a certain diagnosis.
There’s also a phenomenon called transference, which occurs when you project your feelings about someone else onto the therapist.
For example, a client named Sarah grew up with a mother who constantly tried to control her. Later in life, she feels uncomfortable whenever her therapist, Julia, offers feedback or guidance.
Sarah might perceive Julia’s attempts to guide the therapy session as a threat to her sense of control. As a result, she may find herself lying to Julia in an attempt to avoid conflict, protect her ego, or appear less vulnerable.
“If there is lying in therapy, it most likely occurs during the initial sessions due to trust not being in place yet. I don’t take it personally when a client lies to me, and I usually try to use the lying as a tool for growth,” explains Nicole Kleiman-Reck, a licensed mental health counselor (LMHC) with Grow Therapy. She also says that when that happens, she tries to understand the reason behind it.
A professional therapist won’t judge you for hiding things from them. They’ll encourage you to open up when you feel ready, and they’ll provide the support you need to do so. However, lying to them may hinder your treatment and progress to varying degrees.
What Happens if You Lie to Your Therapist?
At its core, therapy is a relationship between people, and, like any other relationship, it thrives on honesty and communication. The fact that you pay to cultivate a therapeutic relationship as a service and expect to get something in return is reason enough to open up about your struggles.
Let’s say you go to therapy for depression. At some point, you tell your therapist that you drink alcohol when feeling sad, lonely, or hopeless. What you omit to say is that you also drink in an attempt to prevent these feelings or when you want to chill.
The thing is, alcohol dependence can worsen depression symptoms—and lying about your drinking habits can undermine the treatment process. Simply put, you’re sabotaging yourself.
Even white lies can backfire, hurting your progress.
For example, you may tell your therapist that you’ve been constantly practicing the relaxation techniques he recommended—and that you find them effective. But in reality, you only did it a couple of times because you were on a tight schedule.
Perhaps you’ve lied to your therapist in order not to disappoint him. The problem is that your behavior may result in the following:
- You’ll miss out on the potential benefits those activities could offer, which may stall your progress.
- The therapist may continue to build upon those activities or suggest similar strategies, expecting to get results.
If you told the truth, your therapist would have recommended more suitable interventions that fit your schedule.
Lying in therapy may have severe consequences and keep you from getting the care that you need and deserve.
For instance, hiding the fact that you feel suicidal can prevent you from getting help. Therapists cannot address problems they are not aware of.
Suicidal ideation is more common than you might think—and a good psychotherapist will know how to help you. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that 12.3 million U.S. adults thought about suicide in 2021, but only 1.7 million actually attempted suicide. Therapists understand that having thoughts about death or suicide doesn’t necessarily mean you will act on them—and that more assessment is needed.
If you disclose your thoughts about suicide, the therapist will ask questions to understand what you’re going through. They won’t initiate getting outside help, such as a psychiatric hospitalization, unless there is serious concern that you will act on your thoughts and have the means to do so.
When a therapist has all the information, they can then create a more individualized treatment plan for you. Sometimes this means increasing how frequently you meet, offering you a referral for a psychiatrist, or speaking with you about your options, such as an intensive outpatient program. The important thing is, you won’t have to go through these dark times alone.
Do Therapists Know when You Lie to Them?
Your therapist can’t read your mind and may not be able to tell you’re lying, but your body language can reveal the truth.
For example, a man named Kris is getting therapy for alcohol dependence. After several sessions, he tells the therapist that he’s drinking less and less. That’s a lie, but Kris is ashamed to admit he’s not making progress. Plus, he doesn’t want to disappoint his psychotherapist, Julia.
However, his body language tells a different story. When the therapist asks Kris about his recent drinking habits, he crosses his arms and shifts uncomfortably in his seat. He might also avoid eye contact, give shorter answers than usual, or start fidgeting.
Julia will most likely notice these red flags, but she won’t say anything that would put Kris in an uncomfortable position. Instead, she may circle back to certain topics, ask guiding questions, and create a safe space where her client can open up.
“I don’t always confront my clients if I suspect they are lying to me. At times, I may share my observations of their incongruent affect or discrepancies in the information they have shared,” explains Kamhi. “I never make it a ‘gotcha’ moment—I simply ask them to help me make sense of what I’m observing. If they are not comfortable responding to me, I respect their decision and express my hope that, at some point in our relationship, they may feel comfortable communicating more openly with me.”
Evan Dunn, a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) with Grow Therapy, has a similar approach. “Letting the patient know you are there with them regardless of the ways they may try to push you away can be far more healing than trying to hold them accountable,” he told us. “Whatever the truth is in this situation matters less. What is more compelling is thinking through why they lied, whether you point it out or not.”
There are instances where a therapist may choose to speak out, but without criticizing or blaming their clients.
“When I do confront clients (my most recent confrontation involved a client who was slightly intoxicated during our session), I first consider my motivation for doing so, and, if it seems appropriate, I communicate my concerns to the client in a non-judgmental way and set any necessary boundaries,” says Kamhi.
Telling the whole truth would allow you to make the most of your therapy sessions, but there’s a time for everything.
Your therapist doesn’t expect you to share your life story or go into details from the first session. It’s okay to open up at your own pace. If there are certain things you don’t feel comfortable sharing right away, say so.
“When clients are not truthful during sessions, I don’t take personal offense. There is typically an underlying motivation for being dishonest, says Megan Trible, a licensed clinical social worker with Grow Therapy.
“Often this may be due to boundary testing, seeing how the therapist will react to certain information, or they find it difficult to trust a stranger with sensitive information. Whatever the motivation, I respect their process and trust that when they feel ready, they will be honest,” notes Trible.
Find the Courage to Share Your Story
Just because you lied to your therapist doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.
Perhaps you did it to protect a family member, such as an abusive parent or spouse. Or maybe you were in denial about your relationship with alcohol, your past trauma, or the death of a loved one.
What matters most is finding the courage to tell the truth. A good therapist won’t criticize or judge you for choosing to hide things from them. Plus, they will be better able to recommend a treatment that’s tailored to your needs.
As Kamhi told us, “When I first meet with clients, I share that many people are hesitant at first to be open with me—and I encourage them to share their concerns about participating in therapy. Over time, I continue to focus on strengthening a trusting relationship with my clients, which I hope will help them feel comfortable honestly sharing their experiences, thoughts, and emotions with me.”
On a similar note, Kleiman-Reck says she wouldn’t let a lie get in the way of her relationship with clients. Instead, she would explore it from a place of compassion.
“I would validate how difficult therapy can be and aim to find out what the client might need in order to trust our time together more. With validation, acceptance, and a willingness to understand, the part of the client that feels the need to lie will usually soften. This is the only way his authentic ‘self’ can be vulnerable in therapy and trust that they don’t need to lie so deep healing can happen,” she added.
While you don’t have to tell your therapist everything, you should be honest about your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and past events that affect your present.
Chances are, your therapist won’t make a big deal out of it. On the contrary, they’ll help you work through your problems and dig deeper into your reasons for fibbing or lying.
For example, a client seeking validation or attention could be exaggerating his symptoms (intentionally or not). This behavior may also arise from depression, stress, or certain mental health conditions, such as factitious disorders.
In such cases, a therapist would try to get to the root of the problem. After that, they’ll recommend the best course of action, whether it’s cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), family therapy, or a multimodal treatment approach. But they can’t do any of these things if the client isn’t honest about his symptoms.
Also, remember that your therapist is a human being, too, and can make mistakes. Perhaps they have been in your shoes at some point. They know what it’s like to find yourself in a delicate situation where telling the truth can be uncomfortable, nerve-wracking, or downright scary. It’s their job to help you cope with these feelings.
Let Your Therapist Know You’re Having a Hard Time
There’s nothing wrong with telling your therapist that you’re not ready to share your whole story.
Let’s say you have an anxiety disorder related to a traumatic event, such as bullying or sexual harassment. Perhaps you’re not comfortable talking about the circumstances that trigger your anxiety.
Instead of lying, you could just say:
- I don’t feel ready to go into details yet. Could we focus more on coping strategies?
- I’m feeling down today, but we could try to talk about these things during the next session.
- I feel too vulnerable at the moment. I’d prefer to discuss these things when I’m in a better state of mind.
- I have some things that happened to me, that I never want to discuss with anyone. Please don’t push me to talk about them. I just wanted you to know.
“I tell my clients they are free to share as much or as little as they’d like. However, dishonesty only hinders the therapeutic process and can delay progress toward the client’s identified goals,” says Trible.
The Right Therapist Will Understand What You’re Going Through
Lying in therapy can turn against you and make it harder to reach your goals. In some cases, this behavior may stem from low self-esteem, anxiety, shame, or fear of criticism.
A good therapist won’t blame you for lying or telling half-truths. Instead, they will try to uncover and address the cause of your behavior in a compassionate, non-judgmental way.
“If I could sum up my view on how I handle lying in therapy, it’s one word: grace. I give my clients the grace to work through their hesitance to honestly share information with me. And I give myself the grace to do the best I can to navigate the often murky waters of therapy and be as kind to myself as I am to others,” Kamhi said.
Opening yourself up becomes easier when you feel heard and understood. At Grow Therapy, we can help you find a professional who understands what you’re going through. So, if you’re ready to start your journey to healing, use our search tool to connect with the right therapist.
