‘Til death do us part? That’s the hope for most couples who commit to tying the knot.
But once the vows are exchanged and the marriage certificate is signed, the thrill of wedding planning is over. It’s time to settle into married life with your new spouse — and that’s not always as easy as it sounds.
Inevitably, at some moment in your marriage, you may feel frustrated or misunderstood by your significant other. If this happens frequently, it may be time to seek help from a professional licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT).
Are you and your spouse experiencing difficulties and looking to start counseling? Here’s everything you need to know about marriage therapy and how to find the right therapist near you:
What Is Marriage Therapy?
While couples will discuss the current issues they’re facing in the therapy session, solving these problems is not the primary goal of marriage therapy.
According to world-renowned marriage therapists Dr. John and Julie Gottman, 69% of relationship issues couples face are unsolvable.
You and your spouse might be thinking, “What’s the point of marriage and therapy if most of our problems are unsolvable?” The main goal LMFTs focus on is helping couples establish healthy communication, even during disagreements.
A therapist will ask for details about your recent disagreements and how each individual responded during the dispute. They’ll gather information and provide suggestions on how to effectively communicate your feelings to your spouse.
But in order for marriage therapy to be successful, couples need to demonstrate commitment toward making their relationship work. Currently, 75% of divorced couples report that a lack of commitment is the reason for separation. It’s important to note that this statistic doesn’t mean infidelity. In this context, commitment means you’re dedicated to your marriage and overcoming problems as a team.
If you are committed to making your marriage work and open to listening to your partner’s point of view, chances are you can overcome any issues that arise in your relationship with marriage therapy.
Who Goes to Marriage Therapy?
First and foremost, married couples attend therapy to work out new or persistent issues in their relationship.
New couples may need help combining their finances, agreeing on a home location, or coping with new in-law relationships. But long-standing couples can struggle with these issues as well. From career changes or cross-country moves to family issues or life-changing events, marriage is full of ups and downs that can be difficult to navigate.
Despite the name, marriage therapy is not just for legally married couples. Also known as couples counseling, anyone who is in a committed relationship can benefit from marriage therapy.
Karina Hester, a Grow Therapy LMFT, feels that couples should start counseling before deciding to split. “Couples counseling is not the answer right before a separation; do not wait until things are so challenging that separation is already being discussed. It makes things more complicated. If all partners involved are not willing to work on goals by challenging past behaviors and creating new ones that are aligned with these goals, not even the best therapist in the world can keep a couple together.”
Here are some examples of partnerships that can benefit from counseling:
- Engaged couples looking for premarital therapy
- Long-term couples who are uncertain about marriage
- Blended families where one or both partners have children
- Newly expecting couples
- Couples who have experienced major trauma or significant life events
- Committed couples experiencing relationship difficulties
- Uncertain couples who are on the verge of breaking up.
Call it marriage therapy or couples counseling — either way, many relationships can benefit from receiving help from an LMFT.
What to Expect in a Marriage Therapy Session
Starting counseling with your significant other can feel anxiety-inducing if you don’t know what to expect. While all therapists run their sessions slightly differently, here’s some general information about the first few marriage therapy appointments.
During the first session, you and your partner will get to know your therapist and discuss what you want from therapy.
Not every therapist will be a good fit for you — and that’s OK. Consider finding another provider if you leave your first session feeling uncomfortable or uneasy with a therapist’s methods. You must be open and honest with your counselor if you’re committed to working on your relationship.
You should reflect on your feelings if you see multiple therapists for one session and still feel apprehensive about counseling. It’s possible you haven’t found the right match, but you might also be hesitant to express your current issues with your spouse.
If you find that you’re holding back with your couples therapist, consider seeking individual counseling to address your personal concerns.
Once you’ve found a therapist who works well for you and your spouse, it’s time to dive into your relationship concerns. During the first or second session, your therapist may ask you to complete “homework” to bring to your therapy session.
While the word “homework” might give you bad flashbacks to high school, therapy “homework” is much different.
Therapists practicing the Gottman Method may ask couples to complete The Five Love Languages quiz or a different relationship questionnaire. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) counselors might also ask you to complete a journal entry for any recent arguments and discuss your thoughts and feelings about the disagreement.
Completing “homework” assignments from therapists is essential for couples to make the most out of marriage therapy. Your counselor won’t be present during your daily disagreements, but completing their assignments provides insight into how you and your spouse react to arguments and express your affection for each other.
When your therapist understands your source of conflict, they can make informed decisions on how to proceed.
All in all, you should expect to learn new methods to listen and validate your spouse’s feelings while communicating your thoughts in a healthy, conductive manner. These strategies will not only help work on current issues but can be used to communicate effectively in future disagreements as well.
Different Types of Therapy for Married Couples
Not all couples therapists undergo the same training, so it’s important to explore different treatment methods to find the right type of therapy to help fix your relationship. Below are some different therapy modalities counselors use when practicing couples counseling.
The Gottman Method
The Gottman Method, for example, is based on the research of licensed therapist Dr. John Gottman. Therapists who practice this treatment method will focus on his empirical research to enhance couples therapy.
Dr. Gottman’s research describes four main communication issues, otherwise known as the four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. When your relationship demonstrates one (or more) of these issues, the Gottman Method focuses on teaching individuals how to react to conflict healthily.
Even if your therapist doesn’t specialize in the Gottman Method, your therapist will likely suggest reading one of his books to understand your spouse better.
Discernment Counseling
For couples who are on the fence about splitting up, Discernment Counseling can help. This therapy focuses solely on assisting couples while they decide to end their relationship.
This is a short-term therapy where couples discuss why they want to stay together and why they should separate. The therapist will guide couples through their options and help them work through their feelings.
During discernment counseling, couples will choose to separate or make a commitment to six more months with their partner. At the end of six months, couples are encouraged to re-evaluate their relationship and make their final decision.
Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)
On average, 1 in 4 Americans deals with mental health issues. Creating a happy and healthy relationship can be challenging when you (or your spouse) struggle with your mental health. Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) can be beneficial for couples who experience mental health concerns like depression, anxiety, or trauma.
This specific type of therapy uses attachment theory to help understand an individual’s emotional response and reaction to arguments. EFT counselors will explore your childhood circumstances and use this information to educate treatment suggestions.
It’s important to note that these are just a few examples of different marriage therapy models. There are many more research-based counseling modalities and treatments that can help save your relationship.
How to Find the Right Marriage Therapist
Finding a well-trained marriage counselor that accepts your insurance, has open availability, and meets your needs can be challenging.
Luckily, Grow Therapy makes finding a mental health professional specializing in relationship counseling easy. Use our Find a Therapist tool and input your state, insurance, and the reason for therapy to explore different providers near you.
Whether you want an in-person counselor or an online provider, you can find any type of therapist through Grow Therapy.
Once you’ve found available marriage therapists in your area, it’s time to start analyzing your options. Take a look at your therapist’s credentials — you’ll want to find someone with an LMFT specialty.
Finding a therapist with marriage counseling experience or an LMFT certification is very important, as not all licensed therapists are trained to counsel couples. Individual therapists have vastly different treatment methods and approaches to providing mental health therapy.
Questions to Ask Your Potential Marriage Therapist
Here are a few questions that you should ask marriage therapists before scheduling a session:
- What is your experience working with couples?
- How many years have you been in practice?
- What type of therapy are you trained in (Gottman Method, CBT, EFT, etc.)?
It’s important to find a counselor who specializes in evidence-based treatment and has ample experience working with couples.
In addition, Grow Therapy LMFT La Tisha San Pedro-Lintag advises couples, “Ask if the therapist utilizes a no-secret policy. Essentially what this means is that if something is disclosed in a one-on-one session with either partner, how will the therapist navigate this process. Under a no-secret policy, the therapist will work with that partner who disclosed this confidential information and explore ways to bring it into a joint session where both partners can be present.”
Don’t settle for the first therapist you find. A counselor who isn’t a good fit could cause additional strain on your relationship and possibly lead to a breakup or divorce. If you don’t feel good about the therapist after the first session, try a different one. It can take time to find someone who is best suited to you and your spouse’s needs.
Find a Marriage Therapist Near You
Starting a new relationship is generally easy, but maintaining a healthy, long-lasting marriage is tough. When the going gets rough, you and your spouse should consider attending couples therapy.
Marriage and couples therapy is helpful for any pairing who is struggling to see eye-to-eye with their significant other. However, it’s important to research therapists to find a suitable counselor for you and your partner.
When you’re looking for available counselors near you, Grow Therapy can help. With our Find a Therapist tool, you and your spouse can explore provider profiles and book your first session today!
