If you’re in therapy and have felt stuck, unmotivated, or disconnected from your sessions you may be wondering: “How do I break up with my therapist?”
There are lots of reasons people consider breaking up with their therapist: Although a good therapist can be well-equipped to handle most mental health issues, that doesn’t always mean they’re the right fit for you. Or, if you’ve been in therapy for a while perhaps you’ve made enough progress and feel ready to step away. Regardless of your reasons, here are some things to consider before making the decision to cut ties with your therapist, and some tips in case you decide to do so.
Key takeaways:
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There are several reasons you may consider breaking up with your therapist — Your mental health goals change, the therapist does not feel like a good match for you, or there are some ethical concerns surrounding your relationship with your therapist.
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Before you make the decision to break up with your therapist, it’s crucial to reflect on why you’re considering this course of action. Make sure you’re not just avoiding difficult therapy sessions. Therapy doesn’t always feel good but it should be helpful.
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Talking to your therapist about your concerns can be helpful. They can help guide you through the reasons you want to break up and create a plan of action to end the relationship on good terms.
Reasons you might be looking to end therapy
There are a variety of reasons people may be thinking about ending therapy — some are practical, others are logistical, and sometimes it’s just a gut feeling.
Your mental health goals have changed
A change in mental health goals can lead someone to want to end therapy. If your goals have changed significantly, your therapist’s expertise might no longer suit you. Ask yourself: Does it feel like you have nothing to talk about in sessions anymore? If you’ve worked through the issues that brought you to therapy originally, it may be time to move on to new goals.
While feeling occasional resistance to therapy is common, consistently lacking enthusiasm for therapy is a sign something is amiss. Experiencing feelings of anxiety about attending therapy or urges to cancel might indicate that therapy is not meeting your needs. If therapy starts to become a source of stress then it might not be beneficial to you anymore.
Your therapist doesn’t feel like a good match
A strong therapeutic alliance is essential to the success of your treatment. If you’re not connecting with your therapist, this could be happening for a number of reasons:
- It’s not a good personality match. Sometimes, a therapist and client simply don’t “click.” Perhaps you were hoping for someone who lets you use the time however you like, but this therapist asks more questions and tries to incorporate humor which isn’t working for you.
- Your identities feel like a mismatch. For example, a member of the LGBTQ+ community may not feel as comfortable opening up to a conservative or religious provider. Likewise, a member of the BIPOC community may feel that a white therapist can’t fully understand their lived experiences.
- You’re looking for something specific. If you came to therapy for a specific mental health concern — for example, ADHD or an eating disorder — you may feel more comfortable with a provider who has experience, training, or certifications in that area.
These concerns, and others like them, are all valid. Finding a therapist with whom you feel understood and comfortable can make a big difference in how effective your treatment is.
You’re having scheduling or financial problems
Sometimes logistical challenges such as changes in schedule, financial stress, or moving can get in the way of attending therapy. Changes in finances such as losing employment or health insurance, therefore resulting in a greater financial burden, can make it hard to continue with therapy.
Consistency is important to your progress in therapy, so if you find that you’re frequently canceling your sessions, it may be time to look into options. If scheduling and travel are an issue, you can ask your therapist if they offer online therapy. If you’re dealing with a loss of resources or insurance coverage, consider asking your therapist if they can be flexible with their rates or offer a sliding scale.
You’re no longer making progress in therapy
If you think you’ve reached your therapy goals and have resolved significant issues, then ending therapy may be appropriate. If you’ve developed the tools to cope with the things that brought you to therapy, bring up ending therapy — also known as termination or graduation — with your therapist. Terminating psychotherapy appropriately can safeguard patients’ well-being and foster continued growth even after therapy ends.
On the other hand, if you believe a lack of progress is due to a misunderstanding about your goals, bring this up in your session. Being aligned on your goals and objectives is needed for effective treatment. A change in approach may be needed. For instance, if your therapist is using cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) but you feel it’s not addressing deeper emotions, alternative approaches such as eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) or psychodynamic therapies might be more suitable.
Something feels “off” in the therapeutic relationship
Therapy should be a safe space for you to feel validated and heard. Therapists must adhere to ethical boundaries. When these boundaries are not upheld, violations can occur, leading to an unsafe or uncomfortable environment for the client. This could include the therapist self-disclosing too much about themself, violations of confidentiality or therapists attempting a “dual relationship” (such as trying to establish a friendship, business relationship, or sexual or romantic relationship) with a client.
Even if there are no serious ethical or legal violations, it’s still possible to feel unsafe or uncomfortable. If you begin to feel uneasy discussing your issues, you cannot make progress in therapy — it’s your right to bring this up with your provider or seek out a different therapist.
Deciding whether to break up with your therapist or address issues
While ending therapy might be the right course of action, there may be other alternatives you haven’t considered.
Be honest with yourself
When deciding whether to break up with your therapist, consider whether you are feeling avoidant about certain topics that you are uncomfortable discussing. Sometimes, topics around trauma or grief can be upsetting — but it’s important to explore these issues because they could be healing and growth opportunities.
It’s normal for difficult feelings to emerge between therapy sessions. You are sharing painful experiences for the first time, and they may affect your emotions. Remember, therapy doesn’t always feel good, but it should feel helpful.
Talk it through with your current therapist
If you’re feeling ambivalent about ending therapy, your therapist can help you understand what you’re feeling — whether it’s about something that’s occurring in therapy, or something else. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable discussing your feelings about therapy. Worrying about conflict due to confrontation is a common response.
Your therapist’s goal is to prioritize the therapeutic relationship. If you have issues or concerns with their style or conduct, consider addressing this with them. Addressing dynamics with your therapist may seem overwhelming at first, but it’s a great opportunity for growth; not just for your self-awareness, but your ability to communicate effectively in relationships. Trust and rapport can be strengthened which can also help enhance therapeutic progress.
How to end things with grace and respect
If you decide to terminate therapy, here are some things to keep in mind.
Plan ahead
Be prepared for normal reactions such as surprise, curiosity, or resistance. Your therapist could feel caught off guard, or ask for more information about why you’re deciding to terminate treatment. They may also want to know your thoughts on timeline — will this be the last session, or would you like to taper off? There are options for how to end therapy.
Consider sharing how you feel
When it’s time to talk with your therapist about terminating, you don’t necessarily have to explain your reasoning. However — unless the situation has made you feel unsafe or uncomfortable — ending therapy could be a great opporunity to practice honest communication. You could try saying things like:
“You’ve helped me gain the tools I need and they have been incredibly valuable to me. I feel like I am ready to continue on my journey without having regular sessions.”
“I’m grateful for the work we’ve done together and I feel ready to take the next steps in my journey independently.”
“I’ve learned so much from therapy and I am prepared to apply what I’ve learned.”
While you are not responsible for your therapist’s feelings, letting them know that you plan to end therapy lets you practice your own skills while also assuring the therapist that you’ve thought this through and your safety is not at risk. Additionally, if you need or want to return to therapy in the future, speaking with the therapist upfront about quitting now, may make returning in the future easier.
Navigating complex or difficult situations
If you decide to break up with your therapist, we hope the conversation goes well. Just in case, here are some tips to deal with problems that could come up.
What if your therapist resists terminating treatment?
If your therapist seems resistant to or expresses concern about your decision to end therapy, try to be open to hearing why. While this is ultimately your decision, a good therapist will have your best interests at heart. If you feel strongly and do not want to discuss it any further, it’s okay to tell your therapist that, too.
If your therapist reacts inappropriately
Of course, if further contact with your therapist could be harmful to you — for example, if they’re engaging in unsafe or unethical behavior — you should feel free to avoid further contact. If a therapist is behaving unprofessionally, then discussing this with their licensing board may be appropriate. Your therapist’s licensing board or regulatory body can provide guidance on how to proceed in these situations.
How to find closure without a last session
Journaling is a useful tool for self-reflection. The objective is to have a non-judgmental awareness of your thoughts and feelings. Using this to process your feelings about the termination can aid in closing this chapter and moving forward.
Another option for finding closure is having a different therapist or another mental health professional assist you in processing and understanding your decision to end therapy. Having an outsider’s unbiased perspective of the therapeutic relationship can give you further insight into what occurred. Also, you can seek out friends and family who can offer you comfort and support through the break-up.
You know what’s best for your mental health
The relationship between a therapist and client is intimate. There are things that you might share with your therapist that you might never share with anyone else. The relationship is as important to you as it is to them. Therefore, whether you decide to pause therapy or terminate, be gentle with yourself and prioritize your mental health needs.
If you’re unsure about continuing with therapy or are in need of immediate support, consider checking out the diverse range of providers on Grow Therapy. You can find a therapist who meets your needs and is covered by your insurance.
