Mother’s Day is a day that’s often seen as positive, evoking acknowledgement and admiration of mothers and mother figures. However, for others, this is not always the case. As a therapist, mother, and daughter, I have witnessed and experienced the many feelings that Mother’s Day can bring. Additionally, because I encounter many clients with a range of feelings about the day, I often reflect on how the day feels differently for each person. What’s important to note is whether Mother’s Day is a day of celebration or a day of grieving; your experience is valid.
Key takeaways
- Mother’s Day can bring up grief, estrangement, infertility, or postpartum challenges.
- The holiday’s commercialization can create pressure and unrealistic expectations.
- Motherhood includes many roles beyond biology, including caregivers and LGBTQ+ parents.
- Coping strategies like setting boundaries and creating new traditions can support mental health.
- All emotions around Mother’s Day are valid, and self-compassion is essential.
During Mother’s Day, we are engulfed with commercials and advertisements illustrating images of joy and happy feelings. Mothers are honored with presents, and social media is flooded with family members’ pictures and heartfelt posts. For many, this is all part of the joy and celebration — but for others, it can trigger painful memories or emotional distress.
This article holds space for all experiences, both joyful and painful. My hope is that it will help others, whether you’re a new mother or someone who finds the day difficult to get through, feel supported, no matter their feelings about the day.
A short history of Mother’s Day
In 1858, Ann Jarvis organized “Mother’s Work Days” for women to work together to improve the environmental conditions causing pollution-related deaths in Appalachia.
After Ann’s death, her daughter Ann wanted to continue honoring her. She succeeded in petitioning President Woodrow Wilson to establish National Mother’s Day in 1914. She quickly recognized the increasing commercialization of Mother’s Day, noting that florists and businesses creating “Happy Mother’s Day” cards were the primary beneficiaries. This disappointed Ann, as her primary intention was to bring attention to the care and sacrifice of mothers and to uplift the community — not to create a profit-driven holiday.
Mother’s Day has since evolved into a more commercialized holiday heavily influenced by consumerism. This has led to a more gift-giving focus, which can overshadow the deeper meaning of the day.
Furthermore, this shift has led to unrealistic expectations of perfectionism about how the day should be celebrated, which can lead some to feel overwhelmed or pressured by the expectations of making it a “perfect” day.
Those who do not have traditional or positive support systems might experience emotional triggers as a result of Mother’s Day’s influence. Individuals with complex experiences with motherhood might feel isolated or ostracized since they don’t fit the commercialized mold.
Honoring all mothers and mother figures
Motherhood isn’t one-size-fits-all. It includes biological mothers, adoptive mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers, aunties, chosen family, older siblings, mentors, and caregivers. Mother’s Day is also an important day for LGBTQ+ parents whose experiences of motherhood have only just recently been shown commercially.
Mother's Day is a complex holiday with diverse meanings for different people. A compassionate perspective acknowledges the broad spectrum of emotions this day can bring, ensuring that all individuals feel seen and heard, regardless of their background or experiences.
What makes a mother is more than biology; it’s the ability to support and nurture others unconditionally with care and patience. Caregivers, community matriarchs, and women healers are also worthy of honor on Mother’s Day, because they impact our homes and communities in unforgettable ways.
Ways Mother’s Day can be challenging
Mother’s Day isn’t a joyful holiday for everyone. It can remind us of estrangement, loss, disconnection, or longing. For many, this day can bring more negative emotions than positive ones — and this deserves to be seen and validated.
Maternal mental health and postpartum depression
Postpartum mental health disorders, such as postpartum depression, anxiety, and even obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), are common in the year following childbirth. In fact, maternal mental health disorders affect one in five mothers. And, despite progress in this area, challenges in accessing maternal mental health care persist.
Estrangement
Individuals who have estranged or complicated relationships with their mothers, or their children, might experience a range of emotions on Mother’s Day. It can reopen unaddressed wounds, causing sadness, anger, or confusion.
Loss of a child
Mother’s Day can be especially painful for parents who have lost a child. The day may stir grief, longing, and isolation, as their experience of motherhood is enmeshed with that of unimaginable loss.
Loss of a mother
For someone experiencing the loss of their mother, Mother’s Day can be a reminder of their absence. This may lead to feelings of grief, regardless of how much time has passed.
Infertility and miscarriage
For individuals who have experienced infertility or miscarriage, they may feel profound loss and isolation on Mother’s Day. Because of the stigma that still surrounds infertility and miscarriage, many women, and even men, experience grief, guilt, and loneliness in the face of Mother’s Day media and messaging.
In therapy, I remind clients to hold space for themselves, whether they want to celebrate happiness on Mother's Day or not. We can permit ourselves to be joyous or angry. Avoiding or denying emotions leads to distress and prohibits you from healthily processing your feelings.
Desire for motherhood: Beyond infertility
Individuals who are or were unable to become mothers due to life circumstances such as financial constraints or medical conditions also face feelings of loss, sadness, and grief.
Other unspoken experiences
Mother’s Day is a complex holiday with diverse meanings for different people. A compassionate perspective acknowledges the broad spectrum of emotions this day can bring, ensuring that all individuals feel seen and heard, regardless of their background or experiences.
A therapist’s tips for caring for your mental health on Mother’s Day
Mother’s Day can surface a complex range of emotions that, if not acknowledged, can lead to emotional distress. In my work as a therapist, I often support clients who have complicated or unhealthy relationships with their mothers. Here are my recommended strategies to help navigate the day with more self-compassion and agency.
Give yourself permission to feel what you feel
Mother’s Day can heighten emotions for anyone facing societal pressures or complex relationships. In therapy, I remind clients to hold space for themselves, whether they want to celebrate happiness on Mother’s Day or not. We can permit ourselves to be joyous or angry. Avoiding or denying emotions leads to distress and prohibits you from healthily processing your feelings.
Set boundaries around social media and celebrations
Seeing social media posts on Mother’s Day can be particularly triggering and cause feelings of inadequacy, grief, or loneliness. Individuals can experience anxiety or feel insecure when they see others celebrating and they are not.
I often suggest muting accounts or temporarily unsubscribing from mailing lists geared towards Mother’s Day. I tell my clients to permit themselves to say “no” to events or traditions that feel painful or forced, as it is an act of self-care.
Make space for yourself
Engage in self-care such as listening to a podcast, journaling, walking, or relaxing in your own space. Being mindful of what you need on this day is essential for your emotional well-being. I encourage clients to treat themselves with the same compassion they’d offer to a loved one.
Honor the relationship (or loss) in a personal way
If you are grieving a loved one or navigating a complicated relationship, using rituals can be a way to honor the relationship in a meaningful way. This can be lighting a candle, visiting a special place, or writing a letter and choosing whether to send it or keep it.
Reach out for a connection
Isolation can intensify emotional pain. Therefore, during Mother’s Day, I often recommend that clients identify even one person they can share space with. There are support groups created to help women who are experiencing struggles related to their relationship with their mother. A therapist can also make a safe emotional space to explore your experiences without holding back.
Create new traditions
If Mother’s Day traditions don’t resonate with you, you don’t have to celebrate them. I often tell clients they can reimagine what Mother’s Day is for them. Clients usually feel empowered, permitting themselves to honor their truths rather than what society expects of them.
You are not alone: a message of solidarity and compassion
Mother’s Day can evoke a range of emotions, including joy, sadness, or a combination of both, and these feelings are valid. Our individual experiences influence how we perceive this day. It’s important to acknowledge and respect each other’s narratives. Remember that your feelings are shared whether you are celebrating, mourning, or reflecting.
I hope that we continue to honor all of the layers of motherhood. I encourage you to seek support, whether it be a loved one, a community, or mental health services. You deserve support and compassion today and any other day. Today and every day, you deserve sympathy and support.